sometimes i feel like driving away and never looking back.

lately i have been realizing that i have the power to decide my future.
i know its seems obvious but i think i just get bogged down in the details of everyday life and forget what is important.
i hate it when this happens.
i realized just how much this affects me earlier this week,
its like i suddenly looked up and realized all the wonderfull things that surround me.

i have been thinking A LOT about the future...
i think finals does this to me.
i can't help but think about where i'm going or what im goiong to be doing with my life.
i feel like i have a lot i want to give to this world, but i just don't know how i will go about doing so.
sometimes i get sad because i know i am not living up to my full potential
i know i can do so much more, why dont i JUST DO IT?
the future is all up to me. this fact excites me&equally scares me.
its gunna be good though,
i just keep repeating this in my head and hoping that bey doing so it will somehow come to be.

today i heard something that went something like:
if we can keep our hearts in wonder of the daily miricales of life, then our pain would not seem less wonderous than our joy.
it makes mesad that i can remember it completely,
because when i heard it it had an amazing affect on me.
something clicked.

(wow re-reading my entry i wrote "i" like a gazziliopn times... do i always talk so much about my self?)

lately it seems to me that nothing is as simple as it appears, or sometimes as i would like it to be. things are often portrayed much simpler than they truely are... i think i have been ignoring a lot of unpleasant things in my life & hoping theyd just go away, but life is definately not that simple. one of the worst feelings i have been having lately is the one that comes with people assuming i am truly happy woth certain endeavors when in actuallity i am not completely content. i don't think i want to say much more. i need to do a lot of thinking, and i have a lot of homework which i have no tyet dealt with.

i have been collecting my pieces and sitting on them for a while now... i think sometime soon i will be able to bring them out and hopefully put hem together and come to a new realization of the big picture. im on the cusp of something great.
(yes i know it is my birthday... but yesterday was surely the best birthday i have ever had so there is no need to even try and come close today.)

Today i dedicated myself to being productive. From the moment i woke up the only thing i planned on dpoingb to do today were things that i have been putting off. and with the exception of falling asleep once (for 2 hours) while reading a narrative for english i managed to stick to my goal. when i spent too much time dpoing one type of work i would switch to another to keep me from getting lazy and stopping all together. so i was in the midst of cleaning off the top of my desk when i uncovereda pair of my friends sunglasses. i didn't know what to do with them, so i just put them on and waled around my jhouse for a bit. i misss summer. i miss the days that steched on forever, and just the overall simple relaxation. i miss having only one main focus (cross country) and i miss days spent at the ocean. i miss havuinga ll the time in the world to spend with friends. i can't wait until this summer. i can't wait until all the things i have been fearing are over. i know there are some things i can't miss out on between now and then, but i can't help but want summer to be here agian. unfortunately for me we are still in fall, so summer it still two seasons away.but i can'r wait.

im prepared. in fact im overprepared- im primed and ready. i need a change in my life.
it seems to me that lately everything is the same.
im going through the motions but not actually feeling or caring about what im doing.
im going though life, but not actually experienceing things to their full potential.
everything is a cycle.
each day is just like the day before.
i need to mix things up.
everything that happens to me seems like it isnt the first time it has happened.
i don't getr enough surprises anymore... its all been done before.
the mystery and the wonder that makes me excited for tomarrow is fading.
i need motivation to get up these days. i want to be able to just jump out of bed
i want that can't-sleep-at-night----jump-out-of-bed-ready-for-the-day excitemenet that makes life interesting.

I know it may sound cheesy but have u ever had a BFF? are u still friends with them? do u still even talk to them?

i had a best freind forever. her name is rachel, and from fourth through 8th grade i shared nearly every moment of my life with her. if we werent with eqachother for school, or sports, or girlscouts, then we were hanging out with eacheother doing thew things that kids do, and if we werent with eachother we were on the phone talking to eachother. i dont know what we talked about, but it sure seems like we had a lot to say. lookigng back its hard to imagine what all that consisted of... i mean i would go to school with her, then practice and when i got home i would have a 2 hour conversation with her. what on earth did we talk about? i dont know. but we were there for eachother and every thought i had she knew about.

then highschool came. i remmeebr at the end of 8th grade she was sad becuase she knew we wouldnt be as close as wed always been. we were going to different high schools and she knew that new freinds were inevitable, but she hated the idea anyway. i was excited to go to a new school and meet new people, for some reason i don't know why but i never thought that our friendship would change. it did. we kept in contact, for w while we talked every other night. high school turned out to be a hard adjustment for me and she heard about a lot of it. i remember for my birthday that year i got a bike from my parents and the first thing i ddi was ride it the 7 miles to her house to surprise her. but eventually i met new pwople and life became easier, then the calls went to once a week...

the year passed and i never realized how far we drifted. but i guess we did. we traveled to florida with eachother and our youth group, but hardly spent time togetehr. this is becaues i made choices to hang out with other people. sophmore year came and we talked, but pretty much only at chuirch. ther e would be the occasional telephone conversation on the phone when one of us was having some sort of trouble, but we never called just to "talk" anymore. things have remained pretty much the same through this year. shes always one of those people i mean to call but never seem to actually do it. i know little about her life, and she tells me little about hers. i recently fouynd out that she is moving. not right now, but soon. shes moving to oregon, and somehow i dont think all that distance will bring us closer. now im regreting all those times i "meant" to call but just didnt get around to it. i feel like ive messed up, i dont want this to be the end of us, but im afraid of what will happen. sometimes i really don't like change.

tonight we ate otter pops togetehr and it felt right, why can't we have one day when we all go back to sometime in the past? i would go back to the days of me and rachel, when we'd eat otter pops and run around with sticky fingers all day. wehn we didnt have the complications that our lives do now. when we had all the time in the world to talk about everything and nothing at the same time.

i know its cliche... but im now truely realizing that u dont know the value of what u have until it is gone.

the majority of this day was not good to me. BUT i'd rather not focus on that. i'll just say that things were just frustrating and annoying, especailly the small things that i don't usually let get to me. I think part of the reason everything didn't go my way today is due to the fact that i'm a little edge-y because of all the stress and whatnot coming from school work. Doesn't it seem like all the stress in your life comes at once? like when one aspect of your life decides to cause u stress all the other aspects suddenly crumble and beg for immediate attention? lately this seems to be happening in my life. anyway... most of my day didn't go well, but when i came home from a frustarting practice my mommy decided to take me out for dinner, just the two of us. i haven't exactly been spending much time with my family lately, especailly my mom. But i really enjoyed my dinner tonight. she took me to a chinese restaurant, and even tho i don't like chinese food i think this was among the best dinners i've ever had. for sure this was the best dinner ive had with my mom. the food was okay, but our discusion was great. i don't know how this happens, but sometime during the course of my busy highschool life i forget about how cool my mom is. she really is. i mean yeah, sometimes shes unfair and someitmes we don't get along, but all in all i think i have a very cool mom. she told me all these stories about her life, both present and past, and i, in turn, got to tell her some of my own. at the end of our meal the waiter brought us fortune cookies. my fortune was the perfect ending to a great night with my mom. i can't say what it said, cuz after all i want it to come true, but i will say it was hope-inspiring. my mom and i had a wonderful evening and i hope everyone can experience times like these with their mother. i know she won't be here forever, but while shes around i want to appreciate her, really appreciate her.

Change is always hard. But i seem to be having an especially difficult time dealing with it this time. My cross country season is over and I just haven't adjusted properly yet. Cross Country got me into a certain mindset and scheduled my life for me. Now it is up to me to determine how and when i will deal with things and I am just not used to it. Its weird not having that part of my life right now... I can't fall asleep at night because I don't have that familiar feeling of exhaustion in my legs and my mind is focused solely on school crap. School is really stressing me out lately, I mean as much as it can... My social life is also strange. With the end of cross country comes the end of me seeing a whole group of people who I have become accustomed to spending hours every day with every day for the past 5 months. It is strange not having this aspect of my life in place, I know it is only a sport but without it I really just don't know what to do with myself. This week I'm still kinda involved because everyday I sell tickets for the car wash at the grocery store, but it really isn't the same because it lacks the whole the running part. All my daily activities are messed up because I no longer have that commitment of my time. Even things like shaving my legs... WHEN DO I DO IT? ... i don't know anymore. During xc i shave my legs every friday or saturday, right before my race... now i have no more races, do i just live with hairy legs? i just don't know what to do anymore...


so here I am at 9:45, sitting in front of my computer, focused on school work, with my hairy legs.

it is me, your friends diana. i finally resigned and got one of these with the help of a friend.